


This Time

by Viridian5



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-27
Updated: 2002-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-02 07:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes we're given more than we can bear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Time

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for "I Will Remember You," "Hero," and "Birthday."
> 
> It could be that the alternate reality we saw was just an illusion to test Cordelia's resolve, but if some canon is going to tell and show me that the visions are passed on through love and a kiss, then show Angel with Doyle's visions, who am I to argue with canon? That canon had to have a past....
> 
> Switchblade Symphony's remix album, _Sinister Nostalgia_, provided the mood for the opening.

Doyle trembled under Angel's hand on his shoulder, looking as if his heart were breaking. Angel's was. He'd given up a mortal, normal life with Buffy to fight for the Powers, but he'd thought to have an undead life with Doyle for a while at least. But if he didn't sacrifice himself against the Beacon, everyone in the cargo hold would die. He had to do this.

His throat thick with emotion, Angel choked out, "Doyle, I--"

"I know."

His death would leave Doyle utterly alone again, for a while at least. Maybe the Powers would give him a new Warrior to be Messenger to. After all, they hadn't taken the visions away when Angel had been returned to a mortal life.

Doyle would get through. He was stronger than anyone realized, stronger than he himself realized.

Doyle flung himself at Angel and kissed him with force, putting everything into it. Angel held on and kissed back just as hungrily, fully aware that this would be the last time, feeling as if he could pull parts of Doyle's soul into himself. Without any threat of this possibly bringing on a moment of perfect happiness, they devoured one another in ways that made their past furtive, desperate, yet cautious touches pale by comparison. Angel drank in Doyle's living warmth and the weirdly green tang his part-demon nature gave to his scent, lost himself in the feel of Doyle's body against his and the clutch of Doyle's hands in his shirt.

Doyle squeezed his eyes shut, broke off the kiss, and leaned his forehead against Angel's. "You never know until you've been tested. I get that now," Doyle said. "I love you too." He gave Angel one more deeply tender kiss, then...

Angel felt a shock of pain and suddenly started falling, flipping in the air off the catwalk, too stunned and shocked to understand. He hit the floor hard, bouncing. People ran to him, surrounding him, but he stood and pushed them away. "Doyle!"

Doyle, in demon form, had already jumped over to the Beacon. Angel witnessed it all, watched as the dark human form silhouetted in the blinding white light slowly crumbled at the edges, burning away layer by layer so gradually and painfully, listened to Doyle scream.... And there was nothing he could do except watch. Finally the Beacon went dark, swinging slowly and harmlessly, disarmed.

Doyle had saved them all, and nothing, not even ashes, remained of him aside from the sweet, charred scent of burnt flesh.

Angel had to keep pushing the hands off him, unable to bear the touches, weird reverberating pains crawling inside his skull, barely able to see through the lingering white flashes across his vision. He was alone. It should have been him up there.

It _would_ have been him if he hadn't boasted of the sacrifice he'd made, giving up a mortal, sunlit life with Buffy in favor of an existence with just him and Doyle in the darkness fighting the forces of evil. Hearing it, Doyle had been so flatteringly amazed, so in awe....

So in love with Angel, as usual. So grateful that Angel had come back to him. So certain that _he_ couldn't have done such a noble thing.

So ablaze with the need to prove himself and make amends for past wrongs.

And Angel had lacked the vision to understand what he was seeing in Doyle.

He had it now. Too late.

Breaking apart, Angel couldn't think anymore; he just started walking and kept going. Lost.

  


* * *

Gunn and Wesley had come back; he could hear them. They'd been successful, right? They had to be.

When they opened the door, the stab of light sent Angel into the corner, to safety. Hurt too much, hurt like his head hurt.... "You... you saved them, right? I got you there in time. I feel a little better."

"We saved the girl from the Balrog demon," Wesley answered. Angel couldn't get used to him having one arm now, even though Wesley had been that way-- how long had he been that way?

They didn't try to come close to him, which hurt until he remembered that he'd thrown Gunn around the room once. Or twice, maybe. He couldn't remember why. Maybe he'd had a good reason at the time. He saw too many things to keep track of them all.

"That's great. Great. But what about the other one? He's important. Very important. He's on a ship, and he's in danger. There's a bright light, and it'll burn him alive until there's nothing left. I can hear him screaming. It's not too late. Things will be different this time."

Gunn and Wesley looked very sad and at each other. No. Oh, no.

"You didn't save him." Angel smacked his head back hard against the wall. "My fault. Mine. I couldn't see the name of the ship until you left. It's the Contessa. Maybe you couldn't find it without the name. The Contessa. You have to save him. He's important, very important. Everything'll be better if he stays alive."

Wesley put on his gentle voice. "Yes, he is important, but we can't save his life because he's already dead. If Doyle hadn't died about a year ago and passed on the visions to you, you wouldn't be in this condition."

No, no, no. Angel leapt up and forward, straining the chains on his shackles. "Then fix it! It's wrong!" he growled.

They just shook their heads. "I'm sorry, Angel," Gunn said before they closed the door behind them, leaving him alone again.

Angel sat down and rocked. "It's all wrong. But it'll be better next time. I'll save him next time."

 

### End

 

_"I feel that you should know_  
_I have an empty soul._  
_It's a warning._  
_It's a warning._  
_If you leave,_  
_If you leave,_  
_I will follow,_  
_I will follow._  
_What am I?_  
_What am I?_  
_And they are stomping on the switches...."_  
   -- "Invisible" by Switchblade Symphony


End file.
